I’m losing it guys

I haven’t done anything for so long I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do anything again. I mean, all my life people say crap like, “find what you love, and do that,” and “everyone has a talent for something.” I’m pretty freaking talented at doing nothing. Always have been. And I like it. Maybe it is my destiny.

In totally unrelated news, the new Call of Duty game comes out on the 9th and I’m thinking I might get it and then play it for like a week straight or something.

I understand intellectually how I should be ashamed of such admissions, but any part of me that pretended to care about such stuff is either dead, or near dead. I think I need to develop some ridiculous habit, one that requires large steady income. That should motivate me into “work” like everyone else.

I found out you actually have to look for work in order to get welfare benefits. How is that fair? That means just because I’m qualified for some job I have to do it? Sounds like one of those dystopian futures where the government gives me a blood test at birth and chooses my career for me. It’s exactly the same… except instead of choosing my career they’re choosing that I must have a career. Damn fascists.

Man… typing like 8 sentences of self deprecating semi-humor has exhausted me. I probably won’t be able to gather the will power to feed or bathe myself for a week or two now. So… if any of you pass my couch, would you be so kind as to roll me over. And if I don’t make any breathing noises when you do it, uh… well, you might just wanna leave. Wouldn’t want you to have to deal with that mess.

rare self aware

He lounges on his bed, head and feet elevated on their own mounds of pillows and blankets, hand loosely swirling his bottle of V8, spicy, oz. 12, over his stomach.  As he sips the drink he listens to the classical music prelude to the latest Moth story.  The computer monitor flickers with rice donations.  Correct, 10 grains.  Correct, 10 grains.  A thought flicks through his head regarding the test of his latest genetic algorithm running unseen behind the browser.  Something to try when it’s finished.  The music fades, the storyteller is announced.  The founder of The Moth?  It will be an excellent story.  He takes a long sip and holds the spicy liquid on his tongue, pressing it to the back of his throat and into his split lip to eek out as much pain as he can from the committee determined, tout le monde, definition of spicy.  As the story starts the computer beeps indicating the test is complete.  The screen flashes, 10 grains correct, and he smiles to himself.  “I am so cool,” he thinks.

Without much cause

I’m a rebel.  I’m not the classic TV rebel, in that I don’t wear leather, smoke, or drive a motorcycle.  Still, I think I qualify because when given a command my immediate inclination is to do the opposite, or at the very least, not comply.  I think this stems from my deep rooted aversion to doing things solely because others want it, or even being seen as doing such, but that’s not the topic of this post.

This topic comes up because I hang out with opinionated self sheltering young females accustomed to issuing commands on a bi-secondly basis.  Inevitably some are directed at me, and unfortunately I apparently went over some limit today and was a tidbit snippy with one of the females.  Not really bad at all, but the event prompted the thought process I’m expelling in this post.

Some commands are worse than others, in that they inflame some other sensibility of mine beyond my gut level dislike of orders.  The one that prompted all this is, “You’re done.”  This is pretty new to me, but it’s how these females try to end conversations they don’t like.  It usually comes up whenever I mention nipples, tongues, bodily fluids, the fact that sex exists, dismemberment, stuff like that.

This is a problematic command.  First, it’s a command.  Second, it’s a censorship.  I understand people have the right to try to shape their environment, which includes trying to stop me from exposing them to reality, but I also have free speech rights, so suck it up.  Third, it offers nothing itself.  I recognize that I sometimes utter sentences that could be interpreted to be very similar in tone to the command I’m currently dissecting, but, I think, mine differ.  Usually, I try to steer conversations with sentence types other than order, like query, or tangent, or non sequitur, and usually these conversation manipulations include some rationale for the interference, and/or commentary on the subject.

Here’s the simple version.  I don’t like being bossed around.  I don’t like being bossed around by 50-year-olds with big brains and doctorates, guys twice my size, people with guns, badges, or official titles, people with large bank accounts, people with hordes of followers, military training, or “contacts”, so it’s not surprising that I don’t like being bossed around by pipsqueak coeds.

why o why o why o

My site was down for a day or two a day or two ago.  I trust you all survived.

Work is slowly encroaching in on me from all sides.  I can feel it coming.  It will crush me and drive any will to get a job from me before I graduate.  Send your condolences and cash to my parents.

The gang only plays D&D for like 2 or 3 hours at a time.  I dunno if they get into grooves that way.  It doesn’t seem to groove right, exactly.  I need that groove to improve my DMing.  /sigh  Still, at least they play, which is more than can be said for the game I’m in.

Perhaps on a related note, Pat’s grandpa died.  Pat’s making the trek back up from Vegas, consequently.  That is all I know on the subject, but I imagine Pat’s sad to some degree.  So… sux0r.

Finished the first book of Dune.  Not the actual book, the book within a book.  You know how they divide books into books sometimes.  I’m at the part where Paul attains a higher consciousness or whatever.  Prekky sweet.

It was snowing outside.  ForcastFox says it will some more.  Right now we’ve got a slight covering, is all.

Today I swim, and shave, and shower, and various other words that start with S.  Step, shimmy, shake, swallow, scramble, shamble, stagger, scamper, salivate, sashay, skip, start, succumb, stop, stroak, shed, scratch, slurp, snap, sniff, sneer, smile, slouch, slur, slump, shoot, splash, stride, strafe, sing, and possibly sneeze.  But, first, sleep… snooze, snore, slumber.

Personal Ethics

I think of myself as an ethical guy.  I donate blood, for instance, and I do so because I think it’s a duty to subject one self to pain and inconvenience if it will keep someone from dieing.  However, I don’t follow this perfectly.

The main problem is to do with my life in general.  I should be sacraficing my life and working tirelessly to become a great scientist or doctor or whatever and trying to solve the great problems of humanity.  But I don’t.  I spend my life trying to make myself happy.

Intellectually I think I would sacrifice my life in order to save others, you know, valiantly like happens in movies all the time.  I’m not positive, because how could one be, but I’m pretty sure I would.  But that’s not the same.  Death is not as big a sacrifice as a miserable life.

So, what I’ve concluded, is that I have a limit.  I’ve set an arbitrary line somewhere beyond which I’m not willing to sacrifice for my ethical beliefs.  Somewhat humbling.  I mean, I always knew I wasn’t perfect but this is a somewhat stark proof of the point.

Kinda sad.

I’m sure I can come up with rational sounding modifications to my ethics, or some other form of rationalization, to keep me happy, though.

status report

Free weekend had I.  No homework really, yet.  Played D&D, thought about D&D, worked on D&D, read about D&D, watched movies about D&D… my 5 favorite things.  Well, not quite really, since by played I mean DM’d, but DMing is quite fun in my current situation, as well.  The gang leveled and thought they were going to defeat their arch nemesis, but were tricked by my clever placement of a different human in the dungeon.  :0

A bunch of us went swimming today.  Consequentially, I took a shower.  Strange happening was noticed recently.  It is pictured below.  There’s not a lot to see, but some of you still might not get it.  See if you can see what troubles me.

It is in a mirror... which could make it tricky

I’ll leave you all to puzzle over that.  Or at least, I think I will.  Probably totally obvious to everyone and it’s only I that would never notice if it weren’t for it being me.  /shrug

Also, listen to Stephen Fry’s podcast thing.  It’s good.  I’ve only listened to the most recent one, on language and grammar, but I suggest you check it out.  Especially you linguists out there (Donny).

I’m sure work will commence in earnest soon.  Boy how I’m looking forward to that.

It snowed

So I went outside with nothing but my shorts on and flexed and roared and looked primal.  Nobody was around to take pictures, though.

I’m pretty alone in Anderson tonight.  The girls fled for fear of weather.  They all made it home fine, except Megan who apparently had an incident.  I think those things have to be self fulfilling or something.  She’s fine though, just slid around a bit or something.

The main Asians are still here.  They made me dinner and I made them dessert.  They’re all leaving early tomorrow to go on a grand vacation adventure.

Mom’s coming to get me tomorrow and take me home.  Just Aaron and Kim for the first few days, but Pat’s coming back, and Donny, and Sidney may even visit.  Should be fun times.

Donny was up visiting but he ran away, too.  He’s got this cool work setup where he has to drive back to Portland every weekend.  Neato, huh?

I got an A in 480, that’s the capstone class.  I got A-‘s in Boris’s classes, which is good, considering.  I somehow only got a B in Physics, even though it was probably the easiest class.  I think most of the blame falls on having a final at 8 am.  I don’t do well at 8 am.  It’s ok, though, was taking it just for fun and all.  Grades were up really fast this quarter.

I should sleep so I can wake up when or before mom get’s here.  Sidney actually updated her blog.  There are videos featuring my voice from when we went to Lauren’s house last weekend.  That’s all for now.