What can I say. My life is good and I’m pretty well balanced so not a lot gets to me. I was having trouble coming up with something, so I’m picking something I’ve been disliking my whole life, that most people wouldn’t agree with. Dogs. Never cared for them. They’re loud, stupid, smelly, drooly, hairy, and they poop all over everything. They dig, they chase cars, they bite stuff, they kill bunnies… they’re just kinda awful.

In my day to day life them main thing about dogs that bothers me is their bark, since they’re always doing it at me when I walk by. Soooo… annoying. Shut up. No other pet does such things. I didn’t buy it, I shouldn’t have to hear it. The next annoying this is their crap that’s on the side walk and in every nice piece of grass you might want to venture on. This is a tick against dog owners too, but really, ultimately, if dogs didn’t crap whenever they felt like it, we wouldn’t have to rely on the kindness of strangers to pick it up.

My initial distaste for dogs arose from the way they were sold. Their supposed qualities. Loyalty, unconditional trust and love for their master, man’s best friend. These are things that I just don’t think are very good. I mean, a best friend is good, but a best friend is not unconditionally supportive and trustful. A real friend tells you the hard truths and does what he can to make you a better person. Now, I get that an animal probably can’t do that, but that’s just it, dogs are not man’s best friend. They’re not our friends at all. They’re our pets. Friend are equals, pets are not. Dogs are not our equals. Perhaps you could make some of argument about how dogs throughout human history have aided us and whatnot, which sure, they did, but so did horses and cows and sheep and goats and llamas and I don’t want them around either. That was then, this is now.

The whole unconditional trust and love and loyalty just strikes me a stupid. It’s mindless. The dog doesn’t love you. It just hasn’t the ability to do anything but try and please you (however poorly its attempts). Any faith put in me without cause or thought is not valuable, and that’s all dogs can offer.

And worse, these “qualities” of dogs aren’t even really true. Dogs attack their owners quite frequently. They attack random kids, too. People think they’re cute and happy, but that’s just personification. They’re just dumb animals, and if they get confused into thinking you’re food and an enemy they’ll try and eat you.

I know probably very few dogs actually embody all of these complaints, and yes, a well trained dog could mitigate many of the problems I’ve voiced, and I’m all for that. If you want a dog, train it not to bark at me, and pick up it’s crap. That’s for the best. And there may be some dog out there that doesn’t shed, and doesn’t drool, and doesn’t stink, and could be trained and that would be a great dog. Still, in general, dogs… not worth it. And even if I could find that perfect dog, I doubt I’d like it very much. Maybe I just wouldn’t dislike it.