The lack of a kindness is not a meanness… or an offense.
I must make a distinction. A kindness, for my purposes here, is defined as an act performed by one party to its detriment for the benefit of another party. I think in common parlance there is another kind of kindness, which is truly mutually beneficial, but I consider this a totally different situation. One I’d label a transaction.
It occurs to me that this is where my lifelong problem with politeness arises from. I have a lifelong problem with politeness if you didn’t know. Politeness, too, I think, really is two separate things.
There are some rules of politeness that dictate you respect another person as an individual, and grant them the rights they deserve. For example, it is rude to touch another person beyond the normal bounds of the relationship, or to invade their privacy. These are fine. I like these rules, although I don’t think they should really be defined as falling under politeness. They make rational sense and the actions they dictate are mandatory given a non-hypocritical ethics system.
Politeness, in the negative meaning I think of it as, also has other rules. Like, you have to say “thank you” for everything. Here is how this ties in with kindness.
Thanking someone is a kindness, as defined above. It’s a pretty small kindness, but it is. I don’t want to say the words, in general. I, on some small level, probably am thankful, but I don’t want to express it most of the time, and if I do, then it becomes a transaction.
Saying “thank you” has become an expected kindness, though. I dunno which came first, politeness, or the mistaken interpretation of the lack of a kindness as an offense, but regardless, politeness reinforces this mistake. Further, the fact the politeness of this sort exists, somewhat justifies its own existence. By this I mean, since everyone expects me to say “thank you” it sorta does become an offense if I don’t extend the kindness. Now we’re getting into the dichotomy of perceived reality and reality, though, which is not likely to be fruitful. Let me explain why this is problematic.
A kindness by my definition is a positive for you, and a negative for me, but this is not the most important quality. That would be that it’s voluntary. A forced interaction that is negative for one party and positive for another is not considered a kindness. Everyone knows this. If you ask to borrow my pen, and I allow it, that is a kindness. If you just take my pen, and I never find out, I didn’t extend any kindness. If I find out, and don’t enact any retribution, the act of not taking retribution is the kindness.
So what does politeness actually do? It removes an opportunity for kindness and replaces it with an opportunity for offense. If we go back to the simple “thank you” example it is clear. You have just done me a service of some kind, but I’m tired or distracted or have bronchitis or for some other reason do not want to say, “Thank you”. I can either act on my desire, and you would take offense, or I could go against my desire, cause me harm, and you would get nothing, as I can’t truly extend a kindness under the pressure of politeness. On the other hand, if I did want to express a kindness, I would have to more than say, “Thank you,” as that is what you already expect. I must go beyond politeness to extend any kindness.
There are two take aways. First, politeness is dumb and makes the world a less happy place. Second, pressuring a kindness in fact nullifies the chance of a kindness.