It’s kinda an emotional time for those around. Lots of leaving and graduating and separating happening. I’m not a very emotional person. I think more than I feel, at least as a general rule.
So, I was thinking about how I think and don’t feel and about this study I didn’t actual read more than the abstract of that said that writing reduces emotional response. Apparently writing about your feelings decreases how much you feel them. It doesn’t matter what kind of feelings, btw, so Pro Tip: only write about bad stuff.
Anyway, I get the sense that I feel less because I use thinking to kinda distract from feeling. This provides the instant response repression function, but maybe it has other effects as well. My default response to emotion is to analyse that emotion, so feelings provide their own counter for me. Perhaps this is the mechanism for the emotion decreases effect of writing. It makes intuitive sense. Writing about how one feels forces one to think about the feeling and analyse it to some extent. Once something’s been analyzed it is in the past, at least I think that’s how we perceive things. In my head, stuff is the present until I’m done thinking about it, and then it’s the past until I forget about it, at which time it can become the present again.
I try often to help others to be more like me cause I think I’m pretty great. In my lifetime of experience I find that responses to my techniques are usually somewhere between neutral and hostile. I think the basic principle that it’s a good idea to identify and understand oneself and one’s feelings is sound, since it’s not exactly solely my own, but my teaching technique and delivery need tweaking.
I also think that the thinking about one’s feelings isn’t enough. I mean, everyone thinks. Most people think about themselves even more than I do. And I know I’m not just faster than everyone, at least not to such a noticeable extent. One possible hold up is loops. Back in the days of Kait, she used to like me and trust me and be around me enough to pretty completely explain her thoughts to me, and often I found her thinking ran in cycles. And she did too, I think, but she didn’t stop the cycles. At least not as quickly as I would have. And it’s not just a constant loop of emotion, it’s a loop of thought, the emotion builds. It’s like if every time I think x I get a dose of anger. The longer the loop goes the harder it is to see the loop and/or fix it since one is feeling ever more rage.
Most of these thoughts are pure conjecture, but I submit to you some small pieces of evidence. I have observed two types of behavior that seem to compliment the loop theory. A typical person who is experiencing an emotion they wish to reduce, obviously usually a negative emotion, exhibit a wide range of behaviors, but they can, at least mostly, be reduced to two categories.
Most are in the distraction category. Many of the classic favorites are here. The binge eating, the rebound, alcohol consumption are all ways of slowing the progression of the mind, slowing the loop. Slowing the loop slows the rate of emotional change. At least, if there is a loop, such distraction methods would have a perceived positive effect. However, the effect would be temporary and imperfect, much as how the behaviors given as examples are.
The other behavior is the clean slate method. People sometimes choose to wipe the slate clean, by going to sleep or passing out, but more often they are forced to it by the extent of the emotion. I think of weeping as a slate cleaning behavior, or a violent outburst. Such behaviors release large amounts of emotion, and then kinda serve as a reboot of the thought process after they are complete. Often these acts are more useful than the distraction behaviors, but they are not perfect in that it often takes several iterations of these behaviors before the person is emotionally stable. This fits with the loop theory on several levels. The loop theory predicts ever increasing emotion which logically reaches some threshold beyond which it cannot be contained, resulting in these instinctual reset actions. These resets are more helpful because they basically start the emotional level afresh, so the affected individual feels normal for a short time immediately after. Additionally, since they trigger a reboot, there is opportunity for self evaluation to break the loop, so eventually a reboot breaks the cycle.
Now, if we accept this loop theory, what conclusions can we draw from it? One of the important ones is the destructiveness of the distraction methods. Not only do these behaviors tend to be negative or unhealthy in themselves, but they don’t serve a useful emotional healing purpose. They slow the progression of loops, thus increasing the total level, when considering time, of emotional distress. Further, they delay the date of eventual emotional restabilization. This is plain if you imagine it takes n loops to return to normalcy, since distraction increases the time between loops, obviously employing distraction techniques will increase time before n loops occur.
The contrapositive of this is that the reset behaviors are good, or at least not bad. I’d describe it as natural. It’s ok to cry would seem correct. At least when exhibiting those behaviors there is a chance to make progress. Still, just because one is exhibiting the behavior does not mean, for a certainty, that one is making progress. There is some key that, I think, is linked to the reset behavior, but does not require it.
I’m not sure, but I think that key is self evaluation through rational thought. This should be coupled with realistic optimism for maximal effect. Looking for the silver lining would be the appropriate colloquialism.
Obviously, even if any of this is correct, it brings up lots of questions. One of interest to me is the idea of “talking about it”. Women seem to talk about it, but I’m aware of one study in teen-aged girls that showed that talking about their problems made them last longer and affect them more negatively. Misery loves company, and my own experience has told me that those in pain seek comfort from others in as similar a pain as they can find.
It seems logical to me that talking about it isn’t inherently bad, but that teen girls are just bad at it. Probably not just teens either. I’d guess that the type of “talking about it” that has a detrimental affect is the kind where each party involved plays on the other. If the parties are involved in very similar emotions, then they can accelerate each other’s loops, and perhaps intensify the highs and lows. This effect alone could be negative, since extreme emotional swings seem to have many undesirable side effects, but there could be more at play. The talking might decrease the chance of breaking a loop, as it might require both/all parties to get out simultaneously. What I mean is, if Person A has the revelation that would help them break the loop, but Person A is talking to another Person B and their relationship or conversation is such that Person A cannot leave the emotional state without Person B and Person A has little or no ability to help Person B reach the same revelation, then Person A might be pulled back into the loop, or be less likely to make the afore mentioned revelation at all. Such a relationship would exist most easily, it seems to me, in cases of asymmetrical power distribution, or cases of extreme dependency between the parties.
However, it seems likely that a relationship scenario could exist that would have the opposite effect. If the relationship between the parties is such that if either reaches the revelation point they can transfer that revelation to the other, that, over the system, would decrease the emotional suffering. Alternatively, if the talk is with an unaffected or third party, this neutral party might be able to identify loops or critical elements that could lead to a revelation much more quickly than one could through biased and emotionally charged self evaluation.
So, in conclusion, my tips for people, especially friends, in emotional distress are:
- Think about the emotions and why you feel them. Think precisely. Delve deeper.
- Look for loops and break them where you find them.
- Avoid distraction behavior.
- Don’t be afraid or ashamed of resets. Just make sure you don’t hurt yourself or others.
- Writing can help.
- Talking can probably help, but make sure it’s with someone who can help you, or else it’s probably hurting.
This is much more than I meant to write on the subject. I’m tired. Pretty sure I’ve said/heard this all before, but, I like to present things in my own way.
Future research/ponderings should:
- Identify tactics for finding and breaking loops
- Address the “talking about it” controversy more carefully
- Identify and expand on errors, problems, and over simplifications found in the above model
